7 tips for parents to overcome homeschooling power battles in a pandemic
My personal experience
I was prompted to write this blog because a few parent friends this week discussed emotionally painful parenting battles with their child about trying to teach their children aspects of the national curriculum. I had my own home learning-related struggle this past week. I was engrossed in my work downstairs on my computer. I believed my son to be working on his Google Classroom in his room. When I checked mid-morning he said that he couldn’t access the worksheet because it was the wrong way up and had opted to do Minecraft instead. On my break, I printed off all the worksheets so he had no barriers to getting the work done and he did the work. I didn’t punish him for skiving, I pointed out that he hadn’t done the work and I asked him to complete all the work set (about 2 hours) before hanging out with this friends online. Whilst for a few moments I was outraged (“all this time you’ve been chilling?” I let this feeling go and, like the patient and quiet IT guy, sorted out his “barriers” to doing his work). At the end of the day, I realised he did the work without a battle. Him and I were both in upbeat moods. Small wins.
When do battles occur?
In this new Covid-19 context, there are many trigger points for parents to engage in battles with children over homeschooling. Conflicts can break out over getting dressed on time, keeping off gaming and social media sites/ screen time, starting work at normal school time, chores, starting AND completing the tasks set by schools. To draw on example of my friend, she was trying earnestly to teach the physics of sound waves to her daughter and her child was not interested.
Teachers are overburdened
In this new context of Lockdown 3, there is a degree of in-person teaching that some schools often do not have the capacity to undertake. Understandably so, with their existing at-school teaching load of critical worker children and children classified as vulnerable and picking up the slack for teachers that are off sick due to the pernicious Covid-19. Therefore, when learning at home, this means either the child completes school work alone, the parent helps teach the curriculum/administer the work, or, the school has online teaching (not worksheets but lessons) which supports the child through the learning.
Homeschooling in a pandemic
We have to remember this is an unprecedented pandemic with long-term effects on not just children’s education but also their mental health.
This is not homeschooling as usual. This is something we, as societies, have never faced before. Whilst in the UK this is a 3rd lockdown, schools and governments are still having to respond to greater number of cases and deaths from the virus. As of today the news carried reports from Chief Medical Officer that a new patient was admitted into a hospital in England every 30 seconds.
Whilst we want to make sure children meet their academic targets, we can’t lose sight of the fact that Covid-19 will have a huge mental health toll that will affect children’s futures. Some experts have described, in a letter to the PM, that children’s welfare has become a national emergency, referring both to mental health threats and rise in socioeconomic deprivation.
It is in this wider context of the increased risk to mental health that battles with children is important. Research shows harsh or punitive discipline can have a negative effect on children’s mental health. Harsh discipline from either mum or dad can link to children acting out (externalising) and problem behaviour and this has been found in studies conducted in a range of countries from the UK to China.
A rise in parental stress
For parents that are homeschooling once again whilst juggling work, they may have a number of other stressors such as, as lockdown fatigue, economic uncertainty for many families, and Covid- related worries and restrictions. This can create a cocktail of stressful factors for parents. Such a cocktail may mean that means parents may experience more stress and have less scope for supervising or staying calm during home learning. In the first English lockdown, the Co-SPYCE study found that three quarters of parents couldn’t in fact manage both work and homeschooling for pre-school children. The risk for battles with children may increase further under this increased pressure.
We know from the science and common sense that children benefit from homes that are warm and secure. A place where they feel accepted and safe. Frequent battles and conflicts with parents can compromise this feeling of emotional safety for children.
So, if we want to support children’s home learning during the pandemic, what can we do to reduce the risk of battles with children?
7 TIPS & STRATEGIES
- Check you are ok and are meeting your emotional needs
During an emergency briefing on a flight, an air steward will brief you to put your own mask on before helping your child. Similarly, make sure you are feeling well and supported first as iterated by Dr Pete Lawrence, a lecturer in clinical psychology. If you feel unsupported or it’s difficult to cope- reach out to others first. When parents have a positive mood it is much easier to support children. Prioritising your own wellbeing may entail careful sharing of home learning responsibilities with the other parent or carer. It also might entail letting the other parent know if you are feeling under the weather or less able to manage the homeschooling on top of your day job. Researchers at the Anna Freud Centre have prepared a list of top self care tips for parents and carers here.
2. Reframe expectations of what your child needs to learn during the pandemic
Generally, we want children to do as well as they can at school and benefit from every opportunity that is available to them. Sadly, this year many opportunities, school trips and events have been cancelled as well as schooling moving online. The pressure for academic achievement has changed character as SATS have been cancelled this year. Whilst it’s important to keep up with the work that’s provided, your own and your child’s emotional wellbeing needs to be a priority this year. If it is something that must be learned, is there a way to incentivise or have a break or some play time and then return to it?
Research shows that play is really great for both the learning and mental health of children. Even before the pandemic, research published in the Lancet suggested that British children did not get enough free time (Whitebread, 2017). Can more play time be part of a child’s day?
3. Manage your strong emotions
Remember that shouting at a child during a difficult time can be really scary for a small person. Children inevitable do things at inopportune times or may not meet expectations and can lead us to feel triggered. Consider what might help you to calm down before responding to the behaviour. Dr Shrand from Harvard University argues that children are less likely to listen when parents are shouting as it triggers more of a fight or flight fear response, instead its better to stay calm, make eye contact and listen to their perspectives.
“It’s much cooler to discover who your kid is than to try to mould them into who you want them to be,” -Dr Shrand
Whilst this is easier said than done, breathing and counting to 10 may stop a situation escalating.
3. Reward brave and good behaviour
Positive reinforcement is well known but easy to forget in the hubbub of daily life. Celebrate the small wins and reward positive behaviours and actions. Whether a child completed chores or started online school on time, or completed schoolwork or creating a piece of art or model, rewards through praise or treats can help the child to feel good. The reward chart may have gone long ago for older primary children but it may be time to bring it back. Most schools have some type of behaviour rewards that can give children a sense of recognition or achievement. Is there an equivalent that can be created at home?
4. Listen and validate children’s feelings and preferences
The pandemic is scary most of us adults. The news is unsettling and most children are generally aware of what is going on. Children may worry about getting Covid-19 themselves, unwell parents or elderly relatives getting Covid-19 and dying, or feel anxious or scared for other reasons. The Co-SPYCE study found that children missed seeing and playing with their friends during lockdown and many children face new levels of isolation.
Making time and space for a child’s feelings and validating them can be positive for children’s wellbeing. As adults, showing the ways you are managing your feelings can be really helpful. Equally, some children may love being at home and having more time with family in lockdown. Where ever the child is emotionally, it’s important to communicate to them that it is ok. Research finds that when children feel emotionally supported they are more likely to be resilient and less at risk of poor mental health (Whitebread, 2017).
5. Embrace imperfection.
Whether it’s a printer that’s run out of paper, not being able to find a log-in password, or an attachment that doesn’t open, there are going to be small hurdles daily during homeschooling. This is a pandemic, if a child manages to complete the tasks set by their class teacher in spite of any technical hassles, that’s a big win.
Embracing imperfection as parents as well, this also could mean accepting our own parenting imperfections and rewarding the achievable within current constraints, not just the aspirational.
6. Organise things to look forward to.
Whilst at this point in time, its difficult if not impossible to plan to visits to family or special events, we can still plan special events on Zoom, events online, household events, and take care of each other. Even if just a Friday night movie night or take away, or a Sunday roast or cooking a new dish for family, set events that give the household something that provides incentive. Eating a meal as a family is already known to promote child wellbeing (Utter, 2018). Research finds that hope increases wellbeing and physical health (for adults, children and teenagers). Having daily, weekly and long-term plans to look forward to can motivate both parents and children.
7. Don’t be afraid to get help if you feel stuck.
Finally, if you need additional support please reach out.
Whether calling on a friend to commiserate, a teacher for ed support or mental health services to address mental health concerns — help is a phone call or email away.
If a child continually doesn’t want to do home learning, raise this with your class teacher. If your child persistently feels anxious or has a lower mood than you are used to contact the school or for professional mental health support contact Child Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) that are found across the UK . You can also read from the resources below. Best of luck with all your endeavours.
Evidence-Based Books & Resources for children of primary school age
Helping your child with fears and worries
Resources for children and adolescents
Am I depressed by Shirley Reynolds and Monika Parkinson
Overcoming Anxiety by Helen Kennerly
Outsmarting Anger by Joseph Shrand
UK Resources for mental health support and treatment
References in this blog are hyperlinked and can be accessed by clicking the authors name in brackets.
